On Mondays I get stoned and watch the Bachelor. It’s part of my routine now. My cat, Jub Jub, seems extra cuddly when I’m stoned. He finds me when my heart is really racing. He’s so in-tune. So we spoon on the couch and I make comments to myself and my cat if he likes.

“Whaattt? The fuck?!” I squeal when Whitney tells Chris she’s 100% in love with him. “They hardly know each other!” He just hugs and kisses her face in response. “Ha!” I say to that.

When Jade tells Chris that she posed for Playboy and decides to show him the photos right then and there I ask aloud, “Why would you do that now?” Then I think about it for a little bit and change my mind. “I guess she should while she’s with him.” I’m right.

I love when Chris is asked an emotionally taxing question, or something that requires him to look inward. He screws his mouth up like he’s chewing on a little peanut. It makes me laugh really hard and my belly shakes Jub Jub and wakes him. “Why does he do that?” Nobody answers and I know why.

“Ugh. This is something I do now.”

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