Baby Feist


Nick, Candice and I were at the store late at night preparing for a photo shoot. During a smoke break, a young Leslie Feist look alike stopped and talked to us outside. She sipped whiskey from a bottle and dominated the conversation, often talking with her eyes closed.

“I can’t think of the word… I’m so embarrassed. What is it called when you get your clit cut off?”

Nick offered, “Female circumcision?”

“Yes. I can’t believe I couldn’t remember.”

I think she was high on something weird but maybe she was just really drunk.

She came inside and told us how she grabbed a guy’s guitar the night before and stroked it like it was a woman’s body. Then she said she wanted to try some of our clothes on just after saying she’d like to steal some things from us. Candice said, “Maybe now’s not the best time. Come back when we’re open.” Baby Feist tried some things on anyway, despite Candice’s wishes.

She was a really skinny thing. Only 23. Pretty but clearly a lot of trouble. She mentioned something about getting naked in public several nights in a row. When she asked where the music was she suggested, at the same time, that she would sing anything we requested.

“Throw out an artists’ name. I’ll sing a song.”

“Cyndi Lauper.” I said.


“Uhh… Alanis Morissette.”

“Oh, perfect…” and then she sang. “I… want you to know. That I’m…. ha-ppy for you. I… wish nothing but… the best for you…”

She sang for a long while. She knew most of the words. I couldn’t help but laugh. Partly because she made me nervous singing at me with her head cocked to the side, partly because she was singing a really stupid song and partly because she wouldn’t stop and we all had to listen to her. When she got to the sexy parts, “Is she perverted like me… Would she go down on you in a theatre?” and then there’s a line about fucking, I didn’t know where to look. I was the only one giving her any real attention. At times I tried to sing along, but I don’t know any of that song.

“Pick another artist.”

“C&C Music Factory.” I said.

“You suck!” She replied.

“Oh. Ok.” I had shown my true colours. I found her to be strangely attractive and she knew it and she hated it.”Someone else pick.” At the same time, I didn’t care that much that she wanted nothing to do with me. She was nuts, afterall. So I shut up and let someone else care. It wasn’t going to be Candice.

Candice clearly did not enjoy this girl. When the girl stepped out briefly for a cigarette, she said to Nick and I, “Which one of you is going to tell her to leave?” Nick shook his head, no. I stayed quiet.  Eventually it was Candice. The only one with any guts. But for the moment, she’d try her charms with Nick.

While Candice and I talked about mouse shit, Nick and Baby Feist spoke about things that I wasn’t paying attention to. But because Candice and Nick are a couple Candice kept one ear on them.

When Baby Feist finally left Candice asked, “How did you like it when she felt your beard? Or when she asked you to feel her thigh?”

I don’t know how Nick answered. All I could think was, “What? That all happen? How’d he do dat?”

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