Joel Burford invited me to watch his short film at the Garneau. I don’t know a lot of his friends. I know their faces but don’t know them well enough to use their names. The only friends of his that I do know are Cole and this guy who reminds me of Jesse Pinkman named Matt, who I still don’t know very well.
When Cole arrived I had to tell him about the night before, the rest of the crew (about 3 others) listened in.
“ When you dropped me off this guy came up to me and was like ‘Do you smoke Chinese weed?’ He handed me this box that was clearly not weed. It just had a bunch of Chinese characters on it.”
“Was it a box of Chinese leftovers?” Matt asked.
“No. It was wrapped in cellophane. It had pictures of dragons and seals on it. Anyway I looked it up today and it’s like this dick enhancement thing.”
“Some guy sold you dick drugs?” Matt interrupted again.
“Yeah. I didn’t buy them though. He gave them to me.”
“Who was this guy? He was just waiting for you? Was he scoping you out and just waiting to sell you this stuff?”
“No. He was just walking past my house. Anyway, I looked this stuff up and it’s supposed to make your dick bigger and harder and make you last longer. I just tried one.”
“So now you’ve got a raging hard-on from this guy who was hiding in your bushes.”
I ignored that. “But the pills themselves were really amazing. They each come individually packaged in its own little box and in the box is this little plastic orb that you have to crack open and in that orb is the pill. So I chewed it up. The pill is like this big,” I indicated the size of a grape. I did have to chew it and it was indeed chewy. It tasted like a dried out salty licorice. It made me gag a couple times. “So after I ate it…”
“So now your dick is way bigger? Who was this guy? What did he look like?” Matt interrupted again.
“Yeah. It’s way bigger,” I said sarcastically. “I don’t know. He was just a guy. It was dark out. I don’t know what he looked like.”
“What was he wearing?”
“I don’t know. A t-shirt?”
“Did it say, ‘I sell dick pills…”
“I don’t know.” I had it with this goofball. “I’m going to piss.”
Cole came to piss along with me. “God. That guy just wouldn’t let me tell my story. How annoying was that?”
Cole could sympathize. He said Laura used to do that. “It was actually an issue. She’d just get really excited about whatever I was talking about.”
“Well, she’s the worst.” I said, while peeing out of my same old dick.