Phone Salesman


A 1-800 number has been phoning me for weeks and I haven’t been picking up. I thought I had better this time. Just to get it over and done with.


“Good evening could I speak to a Mr.Matthew Prins?”

“This is Matthew.”

“Good evening sir. I’m calling on behalf of some kind of company trying to sell you some type of product. Something about identity theft.”


“If I could just take a few minutes of your time to talk to you about bullshit?”

“Sure.” I know the routine with these things. Just agree to everything. The more disagreeable you are, the more time it’s going to take. Trying to give these people an excuse as to why you don’t want to buy what they’re hawking is way too infuriating. And I’m not about to hang up on the guy. I went to Catholic school for 13 years for fuck’s sake.

“For the first thirty days you can try whatever useless product I’m trying to sell you for free. If you decide you like the service we provide, you can remain our customer at the price of 12.99 per month thereafter. If you want to discontinue the service call any time before the next 30 days, at no charge whatsoever.”


“So can I have your permission to sign you up to our thing that I’m trying to explain and you don’t really get?”


“Sir? Can I take that as a yes?”

I love this part. You have to say the word yes in order for it to be a legal binding.


“Sir? By that, can I take your ok as a yes?”


“Sir? Is that a yes?”

“Yes.” I really hit the enunciation of the word. Every letter was very and quite spitefully clear.

“Very well. Expect to find a bunch of shit in your inbox. Please look in your junk mail because our junk might get sent there.”


“Thank you so much for your time, Matthew. Please have a good evening.”

“You too.”

“Thank you. Goodbye.”

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